Fri. Jul 19th, 2024

There is an intense struggle that ensues every morning. The struggle between one self with the other. What can be done. Who will win. The rational, disciplined self has accepted status quo and the other struggles, questions and fights everyday. Will the twain meet? I don’t know. It doesn’t seem like it will happen at any given point in time. Each self has a very worthy argument, grounded in equal parts of reality and equal parts emotion. What matters the most is which one finally wins? Or even better what is the middle path they both choose.

Being torn between the two selves can create a duality which is painful in all aspects. You question everything. You question yourself when you work, and when you rest. You have no concept of satisfaction because one sniggers over the other on every win and every fall. What do you do in such a state? It is tough to answer. The mind oscillates between what it is and what could be. What is today and what could be tomorrow.

These questions keep me up all night long. Not in a good way. A blank page soon turns into a medley of ideas. When do you say goodbye and when do you say hello. What is the timeline? Is there one? Can there be one? Lost in these mindless thoughts you think about the day which seems to pass without a care for you. It’s like wet cement, it will take whatever shape – even that of a shapeless form when untouched but it will harden over time. What you make of the day therefore is important. Whether it is a shapeless lump or a beautiful structure. Who knows where I learnt to talk or think like that but it is the daily existence that I blame.

It is due to the certainty with which some problems crop up and the predictable nature of humans. Life can be now and life can be never. It is death that is certain, but life on the footboard even for those three stations seems exhilarating. The bag gets in the way and threatens to throw me off balance, right outside Gaiety Galaxy or the G7 complex, it wouldn’t matter that much because the train slows down around then.

Which is why it is easier to see the posters, aha the posters – the movie moments spent here distract me but I must not let my mind sway while on the footboard. Definitely it cannot wander. The footboard is a magical place but a dangerous one at that. On this too – the two selves don’t agree. One warns me against it and the other wants to Breakfree.