The aftermath was not beautiful. It was painfully confusing at best. I lost my appetite that evening. I remember distinctly because there was bombil fry for dinner. No other fish, it was dal rice and no bombil fry. That’s when I realised that I didn’t care deeply for it at all. I had always taken it for granted.
That’s why I was in the space that I found myself in. There was nothing else to do. My eyes were hurting from juggling all the screens. My head was hurting because I wasn’t resting my eyes. A cold wind blew but I wasn’t comforted by it. I was sorry. What was I sorry for? Pursuing a dream and ignoring everything else? Could I have been a better person? Perhaps.
I never lost appetite easily but that evening I couldn’t bring myself to finish my favourite fish. I was distraught. I had seen so much of this so often that ideally I should have been numb. But like the good old stoics, I brought myself together and lay silent in a corner. It was a maddening time but I had to remain calm. Should I recite Kipling’s IF? Should I listen to Empire? Should I jump away from this perch. The mosquitoes can devour me all they want.
In the end I did nothing. I sat and thought about why all that I cared deeply only for myself and my work. Even though the work didn’t bring any great money. It was just the high of getting things done, of being useful, of proving your worth to others. To make a difference, make an impact. Wh3re does that even leave others with? Back in 2015 I was the same, nine years later the same. 20 years later even more of the same. Crazy dreams of the future and the mindless pursuit of those.
I wonder by when will I be able to relax and enjoy the present. When there’s 5 crore in the bank? Oh that would be a lifetime. Maybe it’s got nothing to do with money. In the end prosperous are those who are blessed with a companion for the journey ahead. Safe travels to those who have a copassengers, for the rest in tomorrow we believe.